


unhinged

by gotchick



Series: xx hours [5]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: M/M, angst songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 03:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7828678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>songfic based on unhinged by nick jonas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	unhinged

**1\. songfic based on unhinged by nick jonas**

_Every sway just breaks me a little_  
_And I know you can't take this back and forth_  
_It's not really safe for you in the middle_  
_When you close that door you'll see_  
_It's unhinged it's just like me_

\- Unhinged, Nick Jonas

 

There is a sheepish knock on his door at half past one in the morning, and Jaebum gets up from the couch where he had been trying and failing to sleep, stomach flipping as he hastens to open the door.

Jinyoung is standing outside, looking tired and fiercely defiant with his eyes red-rimmed so prettily the way they only get when he's been crying over Jaebum.

"Oh no, you didn't," Jaebum groans, low, but with no real reproach in his tone.

After all, what kind of person would he be to show impatience or annoyance, when the reason Jinyoung has fallen out with his family, and not for the first time, is because of him?

"It was their fault for asking me to break up with you," Jinyoung replies grimly and remorselessly, brushing easily past Jaebum and tossing his bag down by the door with a familiarity borne of time. The overstuffed duffel lands on the ground with a thunk that makes Jaebum's heart sink. But not because he doesn't want Jinyoung here, in his house. Not at all.

It's complicated.

 

By now, Jinyoung knows him well enough not to take offense. He knows Jaebum is awkward and frosty and can come off as standoffish sometimes because of his taciturn personality, and Jinyoung has always been the one who had shown the most patience with him, who never minded his moodiness and brooding.

But still, Jaebum catches the merest flicker of hurt chase across his eyes. Just because he knows Jinyoung as well as Jinyoung knows him, and they don't miss a single of each other's shift of expressions, shadows on faces.

How long more, he wonders slightly wistfully, will they continue to devote such attention to each other, scrutinizing the details out of care, out of love?

 

He dreads the day Jinyoung will give up on him. And yet, some part of him longs for it more.

 

Because it's much easier not having to face Jinyoung, and in turn to face himself. To make the decisions Jinyoung demands that he makes, and gets silently angry when he doesn't. Changes to their relationship, about the way they are.

 

 _Why can't we just stay at status quo?_ Jaebum had asked in frustration during their last conflict.

Jinyoung had tried to keep his smile patient and the edge out of his voice as he replied, reasonably and sensibly, _Because we've been at status quo for ten years already, hyung_.

 _What do you want from me?_ Jaebum had thrown out, in the end, helpless and backed into a corner, but Jinyoung had only gazed at him with those profoundly sad eyes that made him feel like the hugest douche in the world and said softly,

 _If you don't know, I won't be able to tell you either, Jaebum_.

 

He might have been guilty of staying up for more than a few late nights, racking his brains wondering what exactly Jinyoung wanted from him. A grand romantic gesture, hearts and flowers and the works? He knew Jaebum wasn't that kind of person. But Jaebum also knew, had come to learn in this past decade that Jinyoung is the kind of person who loves wholeheartedly. When he loves a person, he wants all of them in their entirety.

And Jaebum realises, heart sinking, that he doesn't know if he can give this to him.

 

It's not that Jaebum is afraid, or wants to hide behind self-preservation. He just... doesn't know if he's able to love.

He'd never loved anyone, before Jinyoung. In all of his sixteen years, he had only felt familial love and respect towards his parents and family. Filial piety. But that was drastically different from what he had started feeling, learnt he could feel when Jinyoung swept into his life like a whirlwind, overturning everything and leaving Jaebum gasping in his wake.

 

Jaebum often wonders what Jinyoung saw in him, and still sees in him. He can see nothing in himself that is worth loving. When he looks into the mirror, a selfish and self-absorbed asshole stares back at him with empty, hollow eyes. The blank look on his face makes him look even less real and substantial than his own reflection.

He wants to ask Jinyoung, who writes poetry before he sleeps, filling floral-scented notebooks with pretty words and lyrics. Jinyoung who would most certainly have something to tell Jaebum that would change the way he saw himself, that would make him crack one of those rare smiles Jinyoung loves so much.

But he doesn't dare. Because there's still that off chance that Jinyoung will reply, indulgently and pityingly, _I love you because you need love, hyung. Because you need me_.

 

Sometimes, he wakes up from nightmares that Jinyoung has gone without a word, deserted and abandoned him without a farewell. Strings untied, stories unfinished. Leaving a Jinyoung-sized hole in Jaebum's heart and his bed.

 _I can't live without you_ , Jaebum thinks as he fucks Jinyoung mercilessly into this very bed, purposely making the bedsprings creak obscenely with his thrusts, as if to drag Jinyoung down into these dark, shameful depths, to keep him captive.

But Jinyoung only responds with a matching ardour, trying to keep up with his pace with touching diligence. He opens himself more, arching his back and making the wanton moans he hates making but knows satisfies Jaebum and his ego, twisting and writhing beneath Jaebum till their bodies are locked together, without a remaining millimetre between.

Is this the closest he can get to Jinyoung? Because it never feels like nearly enough. If he could only crawl into Jinyoung's very skin, live inside his body.

When the storm possessing Jaebum's body is over, quietened, Jinyoung continues holding him with arms stronger than Jaebum expects. Jinyoung can be so fragile one moment, then steely and indomitable the next. It's what Jaebum fell in love with about him. The contrast, the paradox. Jaebum had always loved things that aren't what they seem.

Jinyoung melts the block of frozen ice in Jaebum's chest with his unrelenting warmth, like a fire slowly stealing over him, changing him into something unrecognizable. Jaebum is ice and Jinyoung is fire. Jaebum is water and Jinyoung is oil.

Whatever analogy he can think of, they're always on opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

It's true that they have some things in common, like their love for reading, for thinking and ruminating. Both of them have their own overly neurotic moments, and Jaebum loves the ways in which they fit, improbably.

But he can't help noticing that they have way more differences than similarities, and sometimes these differences feel jarring, irreconciliable.

Like one of the qualities Jaebum dislikes most about Jinyoung -- the mind games he plays, the way he tries to manipulate Jaebum's actions and his heart.

 

He notices the way Jinyoung's eyes move down to his hands whenever calculatedly he talks about other guys; his colleague at his part-time job Jackson and his classmate Mark; the cute pizza delivery boy Yugyeom who asked for his number and the sexy stranger who hit on him at that club he went to alone, Bambam. He even tells Jaebum about Jaebum's friendly next-door neighbour, a high school student named Youngjae who Jinyoung claims invited him to his house.

It's probably true.

Jinyoung draws people to him, male and female, like a flame does moths. Jaebum has long learnt that enviousness or the urge to monopolize Jinyoung's light is useless, self-destructive.

But then why are his hands balled up in tight fists, and why do Jinyoung's eyes glitter like streetlamps in the night as he gazes at them like this is the single profession of love Jaebum could ever make that matters?

 

The truth is, Jaebum isn't jealous. He is surprised when he searches the depths of his heart and comes to this realisation, but the pretense of anger, the act, is so ingrained in him because it has become part of a play they have reenacted over and over again, tirelessly, since the beginning.

Jinyoung tries to make him jealous because he needs reassurance, and Jaebum gives him that by pretending to be.

Honestly, he just feels tired. Exhausted of loving Jinyoung, who can never belong to him, who slips out of his grasp elusive and slippery as an eel.

Jinyoung seems disappointed when he doesn't say anything else, though, or do anything like get to his feet and throw him on the bed, fucking him senseless.

 

 _Is that what you really want?_ Jaebum wants to ask him. _Aren't you tired of the same scene, repeating?_

They're not hormonal, impulsive and brash teenagers anymore. He's an adult, and sometimes Jaebum feels too old to keep up with Jinyoung and his needs. He wishes Jinyoung would grow up, just a little, and stop having certain childish and juvenile needs or fantasies.

But of course, he doesn't say so.

 

He still cares, after all. He doesn't think he'll ever stop completely. Loving Jinyoung has become such an essential part of his life, like breathing, that Jaebum knows part of him will always care for him.

And that's why he can't let go. Neither of them can, no matter how much they bluff each other that they have the ability to anytime.

 

Listening to Jinyoung playing his piano, socked feet working the pedals, and singing _Killing Me Softly_ in a haunting, plaintive voice, Jaebum wonders if he's trying to tell him something.

It's no secret that both of them have been tormenting each other for a long time, clashing where their sharp edges coincide and trying to force themselves to fit when they blatantly don't. Slowly, the constant erosion is wearing them both down, and he wonders who will snap first. If the person who snaps first wins, or loses.

 

 _It's not you, it's me_. It's such an overused line, so cliche it makes his skin crawl. But Jaebum finds himself falling into this very cliche, because he knows, deep down, that the problem lies with him. At least, most of it.

Jinyoung isn't faultless, but at least he's trying. He's tried so hard, given his most valiant effort to making the best of their relationship, salvaging what Jaebum ruined and thoughtlessly threw away. He picked up the broken pieces Jaebum cast aside and taped them back together painstakingly, never moving from his position of sentry by Jaebum's side.

Jinyoung is much too good for him. This is also something they both know.

 

 _Why do you stick around?_ Jaebum has ranted, countless times when he's on the verge of breakdown, losing control. _Just go and leave me alone. Everyone leaves in the end, anyway._

The way Jinyoung looks at him makes him feel ashamed, exposed, like a snail without its shell. _I'm here to stay._

 _Why?_ Jaebum hates his damned curiosity, but he needs to know.

_Because I love you. Because you're worth it._

_Isn't that reason enough?_ Jinyoung is looking at him tenderly, and Jaebum finally sees that in his clear eyes his own reflection is not the least bit diminished. No matter how ugly he acts, or if he shows Jinyoung his worst sides, Jinyoung never sees him as any lesser than he always has. And Jinyoung has always adored, idolized him.

Jaebum doesn't know why he does this, repeatedly and uncontrollably, like an itch he has to scratch. Testing Jinyoung, pushing his limits to see how far Jaebum can take it before he will snap. He hates his insecurity, his neediness. It's just as juvenile and petty as Jinyoung's little tricks, he realises with a start. Is he really that different, that superior and more mature?

 

 _If you're not leaving, I will_ , he snaps, even though all he wants to do is to slump bonelessly into Jinyoung's arms and sob in relief, _Thank you for staying. Don't ever leave me_.

Because he's contrary and fucked up and cowardly. Because he's an idiot who doesn't know how to say the right things at the right time. Because he's a failure at relationships, who doesn't deserve someone as good and pure as Jinyoung.

It would be selfish to tie Jinyoung down. Jaebum has already been selfish for ten years.

Slamming the door and letting himself finally fall back against the front door, afternoon breeze ruffling his hair slightly as if it's just another normal, blue-skied day, Jaebum feels a rush of relief.

Nothing's changed, after all. At least he still has this. It always feels good to be the first one to leave.

 

Truly, he's a lost cause, Jaebum thinks in despair, wrapping his arms around his elbows as he trudges down the riverbank aimlessly, with no destination but also unable to go home and face Jinyoung's reproachful tears. When will Jinyoung just leave, once and for all, so he can stop feeling so broken apart, so torn open and splayed out for the world to see?

Jaebum hates how vulnerable Jinyoung makes him. Sometimes he mistakes this as hating Jinyoung.

 

He's not a complete ingrate, despite how he acts. He knows, is aware that Jinyoung is a rare pearl among thousands of fake ones, that he's the real deal. And this makes Jaebum even more afraid to hold him in the palm of his callused and bumbling hand. Because Jinyoung is so easily crushed by Jaebum, it makes Jaebum feel burdened, resentful.

Commitment-phobic, had been the merciless and unsympathetic diagnosis of his string of ex-girlfriends, every one of them. They hadn't given him a chance when they found out he wasn't perfect, that he couldn't give them the future and the security they wanted, the proposal and wedding and three kids.

Maybe that was why he had subconsciously tried to disguise his true self, hiding behind a perfectly gentlemanly exterior, suave and chic coolness. Because when he met Jinyoung, Jaebum was so afraid he would scare Jinyoung away that he hadn't dared to be himself for five years.

 

But when he had finally revealed his true colours, unable to keep them behind wraps anymore, the skeletons in his closet tumbling out, he had been so prepared for Jinyoung to leave. He had readied himself for devastation, and yet some part of him felt vindicated. Jinyoung was just like the others, after all. He wasn't special.

He had to be. Wasn't he?

 

But five years later, here Jinyoung is, still tirelessly battling the rages Jaebum mock-throws to push him away; trying to tear down and penetrate the walls and barriers Jaebum puts up and hides behind. For what? Jaebum sometimes marvels. It's a losing battle. He will never be able to find Jaebum at the center of this maze Jaebum has locked himself in, because even Jaebum can no longer find himself. He's already thrown away the key.

Jinyoung acknowledges that Jaebum is difficult, hard to please and has a short temper. But, he reminds Jaebum with that teasing, fond smile, so is he.

 _If I wanted perfection, I'd be dating an android_ , Jinyoung told him bluntly on his twenty-third birthday.

 _You want imperfection?_ Jaebum cocked a disbelieving eyebrow, slightly flirtatious as he gathered Jinyoung against him with a hand on the small of his back.

 _No_ , Jinyoung blushed, deerlike eyes framed by lovely beating lashes. _I only want_ you.

 

It hadn't been all bad, though. Jaebum sometimes forgets, especially now, but the good and happy times far outweighed the hard ones, especially at the rose-coloured beginning of their relationship.

They had fallen in love in college and moved in together right after that, a typical poor but happy student couple, contented to starve if it was on a diet of love.

Jaebum had gotten a decent job with his degree, and Jinyoung was happy writing poetry and magazine articles freelance. Everything seemed to be going as well as it could for them, except that Jaebum never felt settled.

He always felt an undercurrent of unease, like he was watching himself living this blissful life of domesticity with Jinyoung from somewhere outside his body.

He never expected this with himself. He had never dreamed of falling in love with anybody enough to want this with them. How had he landed up here?

And sometimes, Jaebum would panic, feeling the walls closing in, as if he was sinking and drowning in the quicksand of Jinyoung's love. Jinyoung wasn't smothering or possessive, but even the normal kind of love, his tender care was too much for Jaebum.

Jinyoung was too much.

 

It was difficult to get used to sharing his bed with someone else, even if it was just Jinyoung whose body and soul he knew almost as well as his own. And it was a challenge to get used to sharing his life.

Jaebum had grown up as a lone ranger out of his own choice, deliberately keeping others at arm's length. He had never felt many urges to pursue human companionship. He had a modest circle of friends and interacted enough with his classmates to get through high school and college without event, but no one ever managed to get too close to him.

He was good at this, this measuring and maintaining the right distance thing. Till he met Jinyoung.

At first glance, they seemed unlikely to be drawn to each other because Jinyoung could be aloof as well in his own way, to people he just met. But somehow, they discovered a common topic completely by coincidence, and from then on the conversation never seemed to cease.

Jinyoung was the easiest person to interact with Jaebum had ever met. Sometimes, it was nearly effortless. But still, Jaebum hesitated, biding his time.

 

The breakthrough in their friendship came one uneventful afternoon when Jinyoung had come right out and demanded, _Why are you pushing me away, Jaebum hyung?_

Jaebum gulped at his words, shocked into speechlessness. No one had ever asked him this question so baldly. Jinyoung's face was flushed but determined, as if the words had been on his tongue for a long time now.

 _I..._ Jaebum hadn't been able to find an answer.

Because for the first time, there wasn't one.

Jinyoung was right. Why had Jaebum been trying so frantically and desperately to push him away, keep him at bay and from entering his world? Jinyoung was perfect in every way. In the ways other people had disappointed Jaebum or fallen short of his expections, Jinyoung came through with flying colours.

He was the most beautiful person Jaebum had ever met, inside and out.

Jaebum knew he would never get another opportunity like this, meet another rare soul like him. And so for the first time in his life, he had plucked out his courage and stepped out of his comfort zone, and the rest was history.

 

And the result had been so rewarding. Or so he thought. For a few blissful and carefree years, at least.

 

Maybe he had been right, Jaebum thinks pessimistically and despondently. They would never have worked out, in the long run. Jaebum just isn't cut out for relationships. He hurts everybody he loves and Jinyoung would be better off without him, better off with someone else who could take care of him the way he deserves and gives him the happiness he deserves.

He had known it from the start. The happy couple thing always seemed so false to him, so fake. It might be for other people, but it wasn't his thing. Even if it was with Jinyoung. He just couldn't do it.

He hates the way his head becomes slush whenever they fight, a complete mess of whirling and racing thoughts like a hurricane. Unable to think straight or speak coherently. Hates that Jinyoung has the power to undo him so, that Jinyoung knows what hurts him most and when to use it.

He comes very close to nearly spitting out the vitriolic words that he knows will be impossible to retract once said: _I regret ever falling in love with you_. Bites his tongue till he tastes metal.

 

But Jinyoung must see them silently spelled across his eyes, anyway, because he draws back with a sharp intake of breath as if Jaebum has struck him physically. His eyes are huge, two dark pools of hurt in his pale face.

Jaebum feels the sight in his chest.

It's the same every single time they fight, lash out at each other -- Jaebum only feels his heart splintering a little more with every harsh word, every personal attack where they know each other's weaknesses are. Because Jinyoung can be as brutal as him, as ruthless when he's trapped like a cornered animal.

How much more can both their hearts take before they crack in a way that can't be repaired? Jaebum boldly, daringly and fecklessly tests the boundaries, feeling a perverse and sadistic pleasure in wounding Jinyoung with his callousness and coldness. Feeling, in some twisted way, that the tears he makes Jinyoung shed are proof that he still loves Jaebum, even when he knows they're just pain.

 

It had been years before Jaebum could finally admit the reason he was holding back.

It wasn't because he didn't want Jinyoung closer. It was because he was afraid that if Jinyoung saw his true self, behind his mask, he would be disgusted, disappointed. Jaebum couldn't imagine that Jinyoung would still love this ugly, pathetic and off-putting him.

They were falling too fast, no brakes, headfirst. No safety belts or helmets, no mattress at the bottom to cushion their fall. Jaebum had found himself exposing himself in ways that were more than just literally to Jinyoung, and he felt stripped and raw and naked.

He hated this feeling because he was sure it would end in certain devastation.

 

 _You don't trust me_ , Jinyoung had accused, eyes heartbroken and tear-streaked.

Jaebum had opened his mouth in indignation to deny, to berate him for saying such words, but found himself mute with shame.

Because it was true. He didn't trust Jinyoung not to leave after Jaebum had shown him the innermost depths of himself. He would rather not take the risk to reveal them, if he was only going to be hurt in the end.

 _I'm not right for you_ , he had muttered evasively instead, listening to Jinyoung cry himself to sleep that night on the hard uncomfortable couch and hating himself. Knowing Jinyoung saw him as so lofty and unattainable, so mysterious and compelling, when really it was just an illusion. But not bearing to rid Jinyoung of it, just yet. Keeping him dangling, leaving him hanging cruelly.

 

He had always felt like such an incomplete human being, half of one, because his mechanism for love felt like it was broken. He didn't have any reason for being this way, no childhood trauma or scarring experiences in his past. It was just the way he was, naturally. Which was what he loathed about himself most -- his self-centeredness, how he was never able to see past his own world and into others.

Jinyoung had only managed to squeeze himself in because he had entered Jaebum's world. But had Jaebum ever tried to enter his?

Had he ever made even a single of the sacrifices Jinyoung had made countless times for him? Had he put any effort into building this relationship?

 

Sometimes he teasingly but also half-seriously wondered out loud whether Jinyoung would still be here, if he wasn't this attractive and irresistibly sexy.

Jinyoung would pretend to get mad but be unable to contain his laughter, falling apart in peals as he shook his head in disbelief at the size of Jaebum's ego.

But later, he would press a reassuring and knowing kiss to the softest, most delicate spot of Jaebum's nape, murmuring, _I would love you no matter how you looked_.

Jinyoung was so thrillingly smart, knowing exactly what to say every time Jaebum needed it, able to match Jaebum's wit and banter beat for beat and make him laugh. He had such a delightful sense of humour and positive and cheerful attitude towards life, despite the shadow of Jaebum's presence dampening it in recent years. Even after all this time, Jinyoung was still as untainted, as uncorrupted and sheltered as the day Jaebum met him, and Jaebum wants to keep him this way.

He wants nothing more than to protect fragile, brittle Jinyoung, who, for all his strength, has just as many beautiful failings which endear him to Jaebum. He likes that Jinyoung is fallible, because Jinyoung is brave enough to reveal his fallibilities to Jaebum. He feels loved, honoured to permitted this glimpse into Jinyoung's most personal, vulnerable side.

But because he can read Jinyoung like an open book, this makes him feel more guilty, for singlehandedly snuffing out that flame, for crushing that brightness in the palm of his hand. He wants to protect Jinyoung more than anything, but always, only ends up hurting him.

 

Jinyoung is so faultless, irreproachable; but as the months trickle by and he continues doggedly persisting, Jaebum can't help wondering -- is there some tiny part of Jinyoung that is as twisted and warped as him?

Maybe that's why they fit together ultimately at the end of the day, melting together into one being for the instant that Jaebum comes within Jinyoung and feels an ecstasy that is out of this world. The joy their bodies give each other -- it's so incredible, it's almost worth the price they're paying.

 

The scars they have left on each others hearts are written in their eyes every time they look at each other, the tiredness of their actions. Jinyoung is still hanging on, but Jaebum doesn't know whether it's by a rope or a string.

 

And so they remain trapped in this vicious cycle of pleasure called love, while Jaebum waits for the day that will most certainly come, the one when Jinyoung will finally walk out on him.

He's still waiting.


End file.
